(Internal) Mommy Wars

The nature of my work life is such that it can take over sometimes. It's a trade off - there's a lot of flexibility (generally speaking) and I don't have to ask permission to take a day off or go to an appointment. I get to work from home, which means I haven't ever had to leave K-squared. And that last point has been the biggest blessing of my life to date (save having the kids in the first place).

But then there are days like yesterday. Days where I make the grave mistake of actually making plans and thinking that I can have some sort of control. It was the day before the first day of school, and even though it was a Tuesday I thought I could get away with pounding out a few things in the morning and taking an easy afternoon to do things with the kids. I wanted to take them to get hair cuts, I wanted to take K2 for a mani/pedi, I wanted to let them choose items for their lunches at the grocery store, help them choose clothes for the week, play with them and snuggle with them and have B give them blessings before the start of the new year.

And then work blew up. In a big way. And I think it was about 6 pm when I finally crawled downstairs and sunk down on the couch and pouted to B that I didn't get to do anything I wanted with the day. And B suggested dinner, and using up the multitude of tokens we had saved up for the local fun center. And it was so hectic that even during dinner I had to drive home to send something to a client and drive back. By the time we got home, got the kids settled and in bed I was ready to cry. So I did.

The reason I cried wasn't because I was stressed, or because my day was never ending, or because at every angle I feel like I'm having to fight to keep clients, and that for some reason, I'm having very little success with one in particular. The reason I cried was that I felt like such a bad mom. All I had wanted to do was spend time with my kids and help prepare them for the school year ahead and cap off a most amazing summer with a blissful day of happiness.

B was very helpful, as he usually is in these situations. He reminded me of all the things I did for the kids all summer, all the experiences I helped them to have. Our summer was so jam packed, in fact, I never had the chance to blog about it. We had an amazing few months - we didn't waste it.

So I've been reminded yet again that I can't always be the Martha Stewart mom I have in my dreams. I can't devote all my time to my kids, and even if I could I wouldn't. The love I have for my babies is staggering, yet I am still my own kind of mom.

-- I do not show my kids love by (very often) spending every minute of the day with them.

-- I do not show my kids love by (very often) sitting on the floor and playing barbies or cars or go fish.

-- I do not show my kids love by (very often) indulging in the silliness, or the tears, or ever - even for a moment - babying them

-- I do not show my kids love by (very often) waking up early to make them a hot breakfast, or going on field trips, or planning the class parties or heading the PTA

-- But I DO show my kids love by fostering their independence, and encouraging them to discover, learn and grow on their own

-- I DO show my kids love by listening to their stories, valuing their opinions, and treating them with respect

-- I DO show my kids love by exposing them to adventure, opportunity and new experiences every chance I get

-- I DO show my kids love by complimenting them, encouraging their strengths and talking them through their weaknesses; by expecting the best of them and giving them my best in return

-- I DO show my kids love by making sure they always look well cared for, snuggling them incessantly, and constantly reminding them how lucky I am to be blessed with their presence

So what I've learned this week is that I may not be that Martha Stewart mom I idealize - the one who wears an apron and greets the kids after school with fresh baked cookies and spends the day splashing at the pool and sits down to create every manner of craft with them at the kitchen table. My mind is often distracted and I'm pulled in a million directions and I'm stressed and sometimes even frazzled. But wow I love my kids. I love them so much I cry when I can't be with them. And when you look at these personalities... is it any wonder?