The Dark(er) Side

As much as I like to seem put together, in control and well - successful, truth is that I am horribly ruled by my hormones. Not in the cuckoo-crazy way, and not in the psychotic knife-wielding PMS way. No, my hormones are more subtle, more insidious and more cunning. (Of course, its entirely possible I'm using my hormones as an easy out - but if its not hormonal that I've got I.S.S.U.E.S.)

There's at least one week out of the month were I LOATHE my looks. I hate everything about them. I can't imagine why I haven't been banned from proper society. There's another week where I think I have no friends, nobody likes me and everyone has moved on with their lives and forgotten all about me. Then there's the week where my patience is razor thin and my mouth is razor sharp. Somewhere in all of this I have a random good day, where I am feeling pretty freakin' awesome. One good day. That's what I get.

Now, before I start getting recommendations on institutions, let me just say that I keep this all pretty hidden. On the outside I seem pretty ok, and I AM pretty ok. These are deep, dark thoughts that - for the most part - logic easily quells. I know I'm no uglier one day to the next. I know that my friends are my friends, regardless of what day of the month it is. And I even know that my irrational reactions to irritating things around me aren't typical of how I generally am.

Despite all of these perception problems, I truly am a happy, optimistic person. I generally think the best about other people, can easily find beauty in everyone around me and am always up for something fun or adventurous. Both B and I believe that things have a way of working out the way that they should, and I know that more often than not people really are just trying their best. So why is that I give others so much compassion, understanding and leeway and give myself absolutely none?

It's an interesting question, one I don't have the answer to but one I expect plagues others too. I don't mean to be sexist, but I don't think its an issue men have so much - not like women. I see such a difference in the way K1 and K2 are. K1 lets so much roll of his back - a simple shrug, a laugh and its gone. But not K2. She is so particular - so determined. Everyone HAS to like her. Her work HAS to be the best. She HAS to be right. Is she just like me? Or is she just female? We can't blame it on her hormones just yet, but maybe she's headed down the same road of obsessiveness that I'm on.

I hear women of a "certain age" (and by that I mean older than me) talk about how enlightening it was to get to that "certain age" and finally figure out they don't CARE what other people think and they're not in the business of pleasing others. I really don't consider myself a people pleaser, but I would like to get to the point where I am in love with myself and damn the rest of the world. I want to get there sooner rather than later so I can pass that on to K2, but if history is any indication K2 may just have to get their on her own. It seems to be a place that can only be traversed alone. Until then, I'll keep blaming hormones and avoiding my I.S.S.U.E.S. Seems the most happy, optimistic place to be.