Spoke too soon

So even though I've known for about 5 weeks that I'm pregnant, we kept it to ourselves until that all important first visit where we got to see the baby and - most importantly - the heart beat. My first pregnancy I went in for that first visit, all excited and naive, and there was a baby but no heartbeat. Talk about a slap in the face. So ever since then I've sort of held my breath until I get through that first appointment.

I met with the doctor a week and a day ago, and saw the little peanut with its flickering heart beat, so strong and fast. I felt confident enough to accept that yes, I was pregnant and that this would be as good a time as any to start telling people. Including the kids. Who were over the moon, btw. Couldn't be happier - telling the whole world and dreaming of their new baby brother or sister.

Fast forward a week later to when the spotting started. And then the trickle. And then the full on bleeding. And the hardest part of all of this... the hardest stinking, stanking part of it all ... is telling the kids. I just feel like a failure. I can handle my own disappointment, struggle, pain, loss and eventual acceptance. But I just can't manage theirs. Oh my babies, I am SO SO sorry.