A Difficult Day

I've been doing pretty well these past few days, despite. In fact, the last two days I've been downright... elated. Hormones? Just the 180 degree difference from feeling like utter crap to actually being human again? The clear skies and sunshine? Having enough energy to clean the house and actually cook dinner? Being caught up at work after a weekend of staying in and ignoring the phone? I don't know what it is, all I know is that I was just feeling good.

And then today I had to face calling the doctor, though I just didn't want to deal with it. The good news is that they weren't sure they needed to see me, as I just didn't want to be seen. But they did need me to bring in the "tissue sample" (I'm guessing you can read between the lines and know what I am talking about). So thankfully my sister was with me, and I sort of coerced her into driving to the dr's office with me. I didn't tell her it was because I couldn't bear to face it alone, I just told her it would have been more convenient driving-wise and of course it was nice to have someone stay in the car with the kids while I ran the errand. I met with the nurse and gave her the baggie - just holding it and dropping it off like a letter or a urine sample or a misguided drug deal - it was all a little disconcerting. After we talked about what to expect, I was left to take the long walk out and I couldn't help but cry a little into my dark sunglasses. It was all so... final. That was my goodbye, to my baggie. That was it. And then I just wanted out of that office and that building as fast as I could and if I never have to return, well that will be good enough for me.

And then tonight B and I sat down and told the kids. K1 actually took it so much better than I anticipated. He had been so overly excited, I thought it would crush him. But he just sort of nodded his head and gave us a hug and asked when we could get another baby. It was K2 that took it like the wise old soul she can sometimes be. She listened carefully at first, then as she slowly absorbed it I saw her face take it in and start to crumble. She cried - real, genuine sad tears. No drama, no wailing or sobbing, no milking it. Just quiet, sad tears. She stood up and hugged me. Then she sat down and cried some more. It took a while to console her. K1 went and got himself a snack. The thing is, K1's style is to ruminate a bit - he'll bring this up from time to time over the next little while, and he'll be sad about it when he's ready. But K2's reaction just killed me a little inside. But I know she will be ok, just as I am.

I can't thank everyone enough for the kind words, and the prayers, and the love. Thank you for the amazing meals, the yummy banana bread, the cheesecake(!), the going out of your way. Thank you for understanding. Thank you for wanting to be there. I am convinced that trials, tribulations and tragedies are the ways in which we remember and are shown how much we are loved and cared for. It is reaffirming.

And my next post will be happier. I promise.